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17 April 2010 @ 05:08 pm
Short fiction: The Resistance (Jonas/Charles)  
Titel: The Resistance
Author: Moonshape
Rated: PG 13
Pairing: Charles McFeral/Jonas Eberhardt
Warning: hints of sexual male relationship
Words: 3377
Note: Charles McFeral belongs to Moonshape, Jonas Eberhardt to Gesundheit!

If we live our life in fear
I'll wait a thousand years
Just to see you smile again -
Muse, the Resistance.

Thick drops of rain creep down the window which I’m staring through. The night is dark and cold – I know so because I had been outside just an hour ago. We had gone to hunt, but I had not been able to find the will to kill an animal to feed myself.

Jonas had killed and drank the deer’s blood. I was supposed to finish the carcass, but I had left it to rot away on its own. I wasn’t hungry. Weeks ago, I would have devoured it within a few minutes because the smell and taste of the bloody meat made me blind with desire.

But not tonight.

I had returned to the house, the smell of blood and meat disaffecting my hunger. In the chamber, which I have been occupying for the past five month, I sit down on the sofa that stood under the window. I watch the rain as it pours out of the thick black clouds that hung over the house and forest.

The weather makes me distressed – probably even more than it would have done six months ago. Bad and cold weather, especially in winter, always made me feel gloomy. But I don’t dare to see that I was suffering with winter depression. But ever since I had been apart from my family, I’ve been experiencing moments of mournful sadness.

I have not been able to think of anything else, since their death has so much effect on me. Sometimes I wish I would have died in the hospital, or even transformed there so that I could have been shot in my form. At least in that way, my family would have stayed unharmed. And all I can think about, is that it is entirely my own fault.

I had disobeyed the rules and almost exposed my vampire teachers. I knew very well they could not come out in day light. We had been lurking in the shadows when I had spotted her. My sorrow had been great that day, and seeing just a glimpse of her and smelling her scent had made me forget about those rules. I had ventured into the crowd and leaving my teachers behind. I had been so close. I had called for her and if I had done only a few more steps, I could have touched her. But as their kind were so fast, my teachers had been there to prevent that from happening. But it had caused an uproar. We narrowly escaped and I was to be punished.

Not had I known it would lead to the death of all their lives.

I had made one stupid decision, and now they were dead.

It was the last time I saw her alive. My mind had stopped working and everything around me seemed to move in slow motion. I still relive the moment where she turned around, the cold December wind blowing through her hair, her knitted cap slightly askew on her head. She hadn’t even seen me before I was being dragged away from the streets. Her bewildered face which had showed recognition when my voice echoed through the street. Her eyes wide in shock and her mouth open as if she had gasped for breath. I could not forget the expression on her face when she had turned.

The next, and last moment when I saw her, she was dead.

And so were our children.

Rain drops hit the window like pebbles and I chew on the callous that grows on the tip of my thumb, a habit I have been doing since my childhood years in time of stress of anxiety. A single tear streams down my cheek and runs down my throat into my collar.

Cold fingers touch my neck, his fingertips wipe away the tear that has sneaked down into my collar. I shiver – I do so every time he touches me. His body is as cold as ice to me, since mine is warmer than any normal human’s is. The difference between our body health has always discomforted me. We’re both inhuman and I still find it hard to believe. He always said it fascinated him, but I couldn’t care less.

‘Charles?’ he asks me with his thick German accent. ‘You shouldn’t sit here on your own.’

‘Fuck off,’ I mutter as I turn my head so slightly, but not enough to see his face. I turn my head back to the window, trying to get back into the trance I was before he touched me. But I’m distracted by his icy fingers which stroke my neck.

‘Come down and sit with us by the fire – you shouldn’t be alone,’ he adds as he pressed his palm against the curve of my neck and shoulder.

‘Leave me alone,’ I reply, this time a bit harder to make sure he hears my request of leaving the room. I want to slap his hand away, maybe even shout at him. But his touch always made me feel at ease. It often felt as if he was able to calm me down by simply touching me.

‘I don’t want to,’ I say as I sink deeper into the sofa and I wipe my hand passed my face, hiding the fact that I was crying more tears.

Jonas moves into my view and he sits down on the arm rest next to me. His hand on my neck is still there, but his fingers are now buried in my hair. His thumb and index finger play with a strand of my hair and he leans towards me to kiss my head. While he does so, I lean away from him, my eyes closed and my head turned so my face rests against the back of the sofa. More tears fall out of my eyes and stain the sofa and my clothes.

‘Get lost – before Aidan comes in,’ I warn him without looking at him. I know I’m just trying to find an excuse to have him take a few steps back from me. Our relation is still a secret; we want to be kept hidden from the other vampires. Even though we are like one family, it would be a disgrace when the fact that a werewolf and a vampire are affecting each other would be discovered. His touch and caresses confuse me, not to mention the love-making we’ve been doing before. I don’t know what to think of this man, but I know one thing for sure: I hate him.

But why do I allow him to get closer? I tell him to get lost but I know I don’t want him to. I don’t struggle when he touches me and I certainly do not refuse him when he kisses me. But I know for sure that I hate him. I always keep thinking: If he hadn’t showed up that hellish night, I would have been dead by now. I would have transformed in the hospital and killed a few staff members – until the police or army had shown up and shot me. After those months of being a werewolf, I still prefer to be dead.

‘Charles – I know you’re hurt,’ he said, his voice sounding less affectionate than before. ‘I know it hurts – but you should learn to live with it.’

‘Would you be able to live with the idea that it was your own stupidity that killed the ones you loved most? Would you be able to know they could still be alive if you have made a better decision? If you hadn’t, your desire would take over your actions?’ I sigh deeply as I open my eyes, wiping away the tear with my hand before I continue. ‘Would you be able to forget when you still hear your daughters laugh? When you can still see your – wife smile. When you can still – feel her lips against your skin. I cannot sleep because those feelings keeps me awake.’

I hadn’t slept in weeks. I didn’t need that much sleep as an ordinary human. But I was sure, that if I had still been human, my sleep deprivation would have caused me to go insane.

There is a pause of a few seconds when I feel Jonas move closer and he whispers into my ear: ‘But now – you should feel my lips against your skin,’ and he kisses my jaw.

This reply offends me and I jump up from the sofa. I start to pace, losing my patience with him. I cannot look at him because of my own disgust. I hardly ever look him in the eye since this started. I hate this man, and I feel disgusted by myself because I let myself love him still. My guilt and grief are being compensated by the desire and lust I often feel for this man.

‘You’re selfish,’ I say as I pace. But I suddenly stop and my eyes meet his, a deep crease on my forehead as I snap ‘You’re always thinking about yourself!’ at him. ‘And your – own needs and desire.’

I know Jonas’ temper by now, and I see his eyes darken the more I speak. He slides of the arm rest of the sofa and sits down in the seat which I had just left. He places his elbow on the arm rest and he supports his own head, his slender middle finger under his nose and his equally thin index finger alongside his shallow cheek. He looks at me for a long time and I see the anger boil inside him. I know he’s trying very hard to be patient with me.

‘You know I want the best for you, Charles,’ Jonas speaks after a long silence, his icy blue eyes pierce into mine. ‘I’m keeping you safe – for your own benefit.’

There was a time where I had been grateful for his help. He had kept humans safe from me and he had protected me from the outer world. He had taught me about how cruel the world was to our species and I had learned to hate it. In my form and with my disease, I felt the safest with him.

I tear my gaze away from his, pacing again. I pace a lot since I’ve changed. I have an amount of energy in my body which has to be spent from time to time. And I have found use in pacing while releasing this energy.

But it is my anger which is mixed with that energy and we both know that is not good. When I was human, I already was an impatient man, but since my change I can say I haven’t got any patience left at all. I grow angry more easily and with that amount of energy cramped away on my body, I often suffer from out bursts and even psychotic tantrums

‘Sit down, Charles,’ Jonas speaks. He always knows when I’m about to lose my patience. ‘We don’t want to the table to end up in the garden again, do we? Aidan would not be so forgiving this time.’

I certainly don’t want that to happen. I do not know my own strength and I’m guilty of demolishing many of Aidan’s furniture pieces. When I lose my temper, it is my strength that is most dangerous. I cannot control it myself and neither do I know how strong I am. I’m not only bringing my teachers into danger but also myself.

But I don’t sit down. Instead, I turn my back to him and place my hands on the window-sill and stare through the glass into the darkness of the forest.

‘Take deep breaths,’ Jonas says and I sigh out of annoyance. But I close my eyes and obey, taking deep breaths through my nose. I have to try to keep my heart rate under control and prevent the adrenaline to spread though my body. If I don’t – I will get angry more easily.
‘Relax your muscles!’ Jonas snaps as he notices how my finger nails are digging into the wood of the window-sill. I groan frustratingly but I do what he says, knowing I will be in big trouble if I don’t.
‘Control yourself,’ Jonas says when I feel my heart rate decent. ‘It’s the wolf that’s causing your adrenaline to rise when you’re angry – not you.’

I briefly roll my eyes towards the heavens before I continue to stare through the window. His psycho-babble always manages to annoy me and I have to remind myself he’s merely trying to teach me how to control that beast that lives in my mind. Even though it only shows its true form during full moon – it is under my skin and affecting my daily activities.

When my heart rate is back to normal, Jonas speaks again:
‘Why didn’t you feed?’

‘I wasn’t hungry.’

‘That’s unmöglich. You always need to feed.’

‘I didn’t want to – and – I didn’t feel like feeding.’

‘Interesting.’ Jonas says, the tone of his voice is higher. He always sounds like that when he finds out something new about me. I know I’m not like any normal werewolf and Jonas is often highly impressed or fascinated by my abilities. To me, it is more proof that he only sticks around to use me.

I turn my head and look at him, my hands still firmly on the windowsill. I have told him before I hate it when he does that. I don’t care if he wants to find out more about me. If it wasn’t for him, I probably wouldn’t want to live anymore. I don’t like to admit it and even though I thoroughly hate this man – it is he who gets me through the full moon.

My eyebrow is arched and I see how he copies me. The corner of my lip curls and I turn back to the window.

‘It appears something is on your mind that is affecting that of the wolf’s,’ Jonas continues. ‘Something stronger than the wolf.’

I know why he pronounces stronger with a stress on it. Hardly anything is stronger than the wolf and it is highly unlikely that my weak mind can be more dominant than that of the animal. But this is not the first time something like that happened. This is why Jonas is interested in me. Even though I feel emotionally weak, my mind is strong – stronger than that of a normal werewolf.

‘And we both know what that is – don’t we?’ Jonas adds. I weakly nod my head, my eyes blurred by the tears that float under my eyelids.

It is the death of my wife and children that affects me so much. Even my werewolf form is suffering from it. I have shown before that I can recognize things in my werewolf form – something other werewolves can’t. They turn blind with rage once they’ve transformed. I, on the other hand, can recognize my teachers and my environment.

‘You need to forget, Charles,’ Jonas said, sounding slightly impatient. ‘If you don’t – you will keep sulking about them forever! Your lifespan is short – don’t spend it crying over their graves!’

This is his way of telling the facts – straight to the head. It’s not a wise thing to do with my temper but he always does so, since he’s also always able to calm me down again.

‘You know I can’t do that,’ I mutter as I turn, leaning against the windowsilll. Again, I do not look at him. ‘I – will never – forget them.’

‘Any ordinary man should not,’ Jonas said, lowering his hand and placed it down on the arm rest. ‘But a man like you has to – it is affecting you too much already.’

‘You just said it interested you!’ I snap at him and at once feel my anger rise again. It annoys me when he speaks controversial words. His babble often doesn’t make sense to me – but I often notice that I don’t even want to understand it.

‘That’s not what I mean,’ he sighs and rubs his eyes. I feel I grow impatient again and I start to pace. At once, he snaps at me: ‘Stand still!’

‘Leave me,’ I growl and I feel the wolf that hides in my chest snarl as well. I do not wish to have him around me any longer. His presence and words confuse me and tonight I don’t feel like hearing his lectures. His words make me sick and aggravated and I want to be alone. His words fill my mind, every time he does this. But not tonight, I will not accept them. ‘Leave – me – alone,’ I snarl as I turn my back to him again, hitting the wall with my palms, digging my fingernails into the wallpaper. I feel my anger and adrenaline rise and my will to break something is etching nearer.

‘Relax – Charles,’ Jonas says as I hear him shift on the sofa. ‘Think of yourself – you do not want to be angry.’

‘Yes – I do,’ I say through clenched teeth. ‘I need anger – right now.’

‘Don’t, Charles – think of the wallpaper!’

To annoy him, I dig my nails deeper into the wall, tearing down thin pieces of wallpaper. I hear Jonas sigh a chuckle.

‘Charles,’ he says, his voice a lot easing then before. ‘Like this – you will never be able to forget -,’

‘I DON’T WANT TO FORGET!’ I shout as I turn around. ‘I WILL NEVER FORGET!’

‘It’s for your own good!’ Jonas says as he rests his elbows on his knees and leans forwards into my direction. ‘Think of your anger. Think of the wolf!’

‘I DON’T CARE ABOUT THAT FUCKING WOLF!’ I shout on top of my voice. I slash my hand past the lamp that stood next to the window and it falls onto the ground, shattering to pieces. I pace a few steps before I shout: ‘THAT THING HAS RUINED MY LIFE!’ and I pronounce the last word with a tremble in my voice.

‘It didn’t!’ Jonas says, his face still calm and normal. ‘You’ve learned so much about yourself already! You know more than any other werewolf!’

‘Stop it!’ I shout, my voice trembling as I press my palms against my ears and I turn my back to him. ‘Shut up! It’s you – it’s only you!’

‘It s me – and you, Charles,’ I could hear Jonas muffled voice say. ‘It’s us now – You –,’

I do not let him finish his sentence. His words make me snap and I lunge myself towards him. My hands close around his neck and I push him back on the sofa. A growl escapes from my chest and my teeth are bared as I tried to close my hands tighter and tighter around Jonas’ throat.

But when I look into his eyes, I see that Jonas isn’t even surprised or even angry that I attacked him. His pale blue eyes are looking at me, and the corner of his lip is weakly curled. I snarl even louder and I try hard to dig my nails into his skin. But I can’t. I cannot hurt him. Even though my nails are made to shred vampire skin, I cannot bring myself to hurt Jonas – it is another indication that I do love him.

My arms start to tremble as my fierce eyes stare into Jonas’ calm ones. I feel how he closes his cold fingers around my wrist, not even using any strength in his grip. His palm is on top of mine and I know what it will do to me.

I break down. My grip loosens around his neck and tears stream down my face as I start to sob. I let myself drop on his lap and bury my face in his neck – both out of shame and because I need to be held.

His long arms close around my body and his fingers caress my neck. I shiver in my sobs. His icy fingertips run past my vertebrae in my neck, sending cold sparks into my skin. My hands, which have released his neck, hold onto his white shirt. I cling onto him as I realize that he’s the only friend that I have left, who deeply, truly understands me.
 
 
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